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chaltiere
01 April 2017 @ 08:24 pm
I don’t know how my brother can put up with my dad.
My dad verbally abuses him, and he still responds to him to gain his favor; he still acts nice, and he rarely fires back at him. He makes me annoyed for him; he makes me hate my dad even more. I'm also beginning to hate my mother and brother for encouraging my father's assholery.

I guess it has to do with the fact my brother is also the only son in the family, so there may be a special connection, but I feel sorely hated because my father has blatant favoritism on all the other children because all the other children don't openly piss him off. For some reason, I am the only child that pisses my dad off right at the bat.

I feel really neglected, and I feel like I’m the only one who isn’t left checked because neither father or mother cares about me on a deeper level than they do with the other children.
 
 
chaltiere
27 March 2017 @ 11:29 pm

I wonder if I can feel anymore empty?

Decisions haven't been announced yet from my consolate, but I have this dreading feeling I won't make it. Even though all signs point to "yes," my low self-esteem and intuition tells me otherwise that I shouldn't be too confident, and it's really eating at me.

I don't know what to do if I don't get in?

I'm so scared.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be somewhere - on the right path to where I designated myself.

I wanted to be an artist, but if I could be a person who can translate Japanese - I'd feel happier. 

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chaltiere
26 January 2017 @ 03:22 am
I felt like I should at least leave a few memories that shows some accomplishment. I know that usually this livejournal is used to talk about my deepest fears and vent to no one, so no one feels offended or hurt.

But I also want to look back in this journal and have some memories of good times, too.

I got into the JET Program's Interview stage.

After so long of undergoing so much hardship, peer and parental pressure, and living off of minimal support and affection, I've finally made some step.

I know that getting into the Interview stage is impressive in itself, but I also want to do my very best and get into the program. I know getting into it is very hard, so I have to push myself a little more, as well.


Recently, I caught wind of a new anime called Uchuu Kyoudai, and I felt exactly like Mutta Nanba. Haha, I think I'm way too passionate to just stay stuck in one place.... And it's a good thing I found that anime around the time of my interview fret. I hope that things will go well, and I wish to report back whatever the case may be! 

Does life get better? I don't know....I just know it keeps going on, and I should too.
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Current Mood: encouraged
Current Music: Space Brothers Piano Theme
 
 
chaltiere
05 December 2016 @ 11:34 pm
まだ下手ですが、新しい漢字を習いました。2月、会見に行きます。頑張りますよ!
でも、入られないなら、ミーネソッタに住んでいると思います。まあ、大丈夫です。
外国語に住んでいることがありましたり、ちょっと日本語を話しましたりしました。
 
 
chaltiere
16 October 2016 @ 07:46 pm
皆さん、久しぶりですね。
このジャーナルは古いですが、まだ使えています。
友達らしいと思います。日本語はまた下手ですけど、来年は日本に行くと思います。

Anyway, onto English. It's been a long time since I used this, but that means I haven't been feeling particularly depressed, so that's a good sign that I'm not as bad as before.

A lot of things has happened, now that I look back at it, and I made more friends, but I am still disatisfied. Of course, where I right now isn't exactly a good place, but it's better than being homeless or jobless, so that is luck in itself.

I don't know why I wanted to write in here. I wonder if anyone in my past will see this? I wonder who still checks personal LJs, but it's a good thing for now, in my ignorance, I can write such personal things without people I know reading them.

I don't know what I wanted to say, but I figured it would be okay to start now.

I've, for the most part, been writing things in Tumblr, but this is where my darkest thoughts go to when I can't pick myself back up.

I've been trying to write (like always), but the writer's block is a struggle, and my stubborness won't let me write something; I wont approve of an idea unless it's original, but let's face it! Not a lot of things are original thes days, right?
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Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Neutral
 
 
 
chaltiere
16 August 2016 @ 02:40 pm
"I want to die." I think this every day, and it doesn't help that my siblings piss me off more than they think they do. I don't have time for them to be so disrespectful. Stupid, idiots. I hope you rot in Hell.   
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
chaltiere
25 July 2016 @ 01:28 pm
I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough?
I know a lot of my life has consisted of losses that maybe could have ended better, but
I wonder why it's up to me to fight harder?
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
chaltiere
28 December 2015 @ 02:01 am
I think love is the most complicated feeling...
I'd like to say I either have no feelings for someone or strong feelings if I were to be romantically attracted to them....
But it's never been a love where I'm the most selfish, where I really can't stop thinking about them.... and I wonder if there's something wrong with me...
When the people I thought I loved shows me their inner feelings....and I can't reciprocate them...

I know I'm not broken, but it's difficult understanding what I want....and how I feel when your feelings are confusing you the most.
 
 
chaltiere
15 November 2015 @ 08:09 pm
I'm not sure how to feel.
I mean, I guess this is what I expected. People always go back to...that kind of thing. I can't help them, even though I know I can continue to support them, but it also is painful to reexperience all over again. And, to be insensitive, it's annoying too.

Anyway.... Yeah. Life.
 
 
chaltiere
13 September 2015 @ 02:00 pm
I know it's no one's fault...
But I don't believe in anyone...after they stay silent when I'm talking about death...
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Current Mood: depression